Deflection

                                          

Today, I want to talk about a painful subject - only because it basically overshadows much of what I say and do nowadays.

Have you ever felt like the person in the above picture? Broken, cracked, maybe a little crazy? Have you ever felt like it was you against the world? And since everyone was against you, you began to think that YOU were the one in the wrong? Have you ever come to a place where you doubted every decision you ever made, wondering if you were even capable of making any competent decision at all? Have you ever fallen into a depression because it felt like everyone was leading you there?

Sounds hopeless, doesn't it? Well, I speak from experience that there are likely thousands, even tens of thousands, that have felt these same emotions. And here is the scary thing - they were deliberately placed there, in that spot of hopelessness.

It wasn't until a few years after my divorce that I heard a term that completely changed the way I saw the world and those in it. It was the word "narcissist." Once I began putting actions with that term, I realized that the man I had been married to for twenty-two years was a narcissist. I have no idea how far along in to the marriage he because one 'full-fledged', but I realize now that he had been one even when I married him at the age of twenty-two.

There are a myriad of traits I could discuss today about this kind of person, but the one I will focus on today is the fact that "Narcs" have a way of deflecting. What I mean by that is that they have an innate way of getting you to feel as if YOU are the one who is "selfish", "narcissistic" (although they may never use that term.) and even crazy. I chose the above picture because this is what a Narc does to his/her victim.  He/she completely shatters your mirror, and gets you to 1) believe that YOU shattered your own mirror, 2) that you actually look like what your image reveals, and 3) shows that reflection to your friends and family, getting them to believe that this is what you really look like.

How is that deflection? you might ask. Well, the Narc is brain-washing all of those around him to believe these lies about his victim(s) so that you will not accuse him of being these things. He will stoop so low as to even use his own children in this manner. He will twist the minds of formative young ones to believe their mother to be nuts. Why? So he will continue to have their affection. He refuses to share love, because he honestly believes it cannot be shared. He wants it all. And if he cannot have it all, he chews them up and spits them out and finds another source (VICTIM).

As long as you are in the life of a Narcissist and have contact with him/her you will never believe you have been bamboozled. It is not until you are free from being in his/her life that you will come to the realization that things are NOT 'good.' 

In whatever free time I have, I have been working on a project. It is a story based on my life and my circumstances and those I have come to care for deeply. I don't want to 'preach', because that will not facilitate change. My desire is to help as many people as possible not to fall prey to deflection or any other controlling trait of a narcissist. 

Until next time.....

Petra

Paralyzed by Fear

                           

I haven't actually done any writing in a while. I have THOUGHT about writing. I have taken some notes and I have even discussed ideas. But the actual "putting pen to paper" has not happened. And it is that revelation that has caused me to realize that I am, indeed, paralyzed by fear. That is not an easy admission, and I am in hopes that you will not be too harsh in your judgments against me.

"The greatest prison people live in is the fear of what other people think."

This morning I decided to look up sayings about fear and procrastination, and although some applied, many did not. The reason? Because what I fear does not come from others but from within my soul. And that fact is, I believe, more difficult to surpass than those things that are on the outside.

I have come to terms with the fact that there are those who will not "get" my writing. They will not understand my heart. They will not appreciate the grueling hours it took to put a project together. Writing this story of mine which is based on facts of my own life, has already taken a small toll on me, but in order to make it "real" I am going to have to dig even deeper. And someone who has not gone through some of the experience I have had, cannot fully "get" it.

"It can be scary putting yourself out there. But what is scarier is not trying and never knowing what could have happened."

SO TRUE!

The other day, at work, I ran across a woman who has experienced some of the same exposure to a narcissist as I have. My heart began to break for this woman, whom I had not previously met, and wanted to be able to say something, do something, to help her! I was desperate! I reached down in the depths of my own soul and pulled out just what I needed to truly empathize with her. She left a little later and I was completely drained. I needed to find a small sanctuary in which to hide my wounded heart. But I could not. Instead I was left with a feeling of desperation that I MUST complete this book in order to get the words out for others, in order to somehow prevent another heart from being abused and left for dead from the actions and words of the many narcissists in this world!

I came home and shared my fears with my husband. He, the consummate balm for my brokenness, assured me that I MUST press on. He would be there to help pick up the pieces after every writing session.  

You see, this project was commissioned. It was commissioned by the Lord. I have absolutely NO DOUBT about that. It wasn't an audible voice. It wasn't a thunder-clap. It wasn't anything other than the countless faced and faceless women the Lord continues to bring to the forefront of my mind that might be swayed once the message of my story reaches them.

                          

I am like Moses and Gideon, and a few others, from scripture who, once commanded by the Lord to face a daunting task, looked at their own inadequacies and began to allow their fear to overtake them. They wanted to do what God wanted, but they just could not fathom the power He could have in the face of those daunting tasks.

"Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my righteous right hand."
                                                                               Isaiah 41:10

Some might say, "Petra, it's only a story. What's the big deal?"

Allow me to respond by saying that, "You are NOT my God and I am going to, for as long as I have breath, follow HIS direction." There have been many before me that could have backed down from what was told them to do by the Lord, but "He is faithful to finish the work He started in us." And if He asks me to write a story based on my experiences, I will write that story. And I need to trust that He will give me EVERYTHING, including fearlessness, to accomplish that which He has instructed.

So, my friend, of what are you afraid? What causes you to quiver? Determine if that is something you desire to do or if it is something the Lord has instructed. You are never guaranteed success unless He directs you. 

What is your Goliath? What is your "battle of thousands"? What is your Jericho? What is your "story"? Will you partner with me in our struggle to overcome our fears? 

My deepest thanks,

Petra

Fence sitting

                                                      

Do you ever find yourself fence-sitting? Yes, I think we are all guilty of this at some time or another in our lives. Sad, but true. But I have a problem. I have developed callouses from sitting so long. There are two or three rather "mundane" topics I need to confess in which I find myself fence-sitting.

1. Reading hard copy books or digital. Okay, you might find that silly, but for me it's rather a big deal. I have about seven or eight books on my shelf right now that I have started. The bookmarks are there to prove that I have not even gotten a quarter of the way through. Because what happens is this. I scroll through my emails and I find a list of FREE digital books that look delightful! I MUST have them. They are free, after all. So I now have a collection of upwards of 250 books on my kindle (and about half of that on my Nook) and I have started a few of them. After all, who turns down free books? I start reading one, or two, or possibly five, and realize that I really don't care for it that much. Besides, guilt begins to seep in, making me feel as if I am betraying my old friends. UGH! What a dilemma!

2. Typing vs. hand-writing. I have been on this journey of writing for as long as I can remember. When typewriters came into the fray, I opted for hand-writing because I made too many mistakes in my typing. Then word processors came along making mistakes easier to correct. Well, suffice it to say that I still LOVE to hand-write. Of course I will never be able to write as fast as I can type - even with mistakes, but there is something fulfilling about seeing words on lined paper. But I find myself hesitating between the two so often that I end up not writing at all.


                                     


So, I get to the point where I vacillate so much it is just easier and less stressful to sit the fence and watch everything go by. Who needs the stress of feeling guilty about not picking up a hard book? Who needs the pressure of trying to decide whether or not to take a notebook in the purse "just in case" a thought strikes? (And PLEASE don't start with the fact that I carry a phone with writing apps!)

My callouses are becoming uncomfortable. There a few splinters forming.

Is the answer to find balance?

Do I just need to decide which side is greener and just park my hiney there?

Or is this a much deeper issue? (I wax philosophical on too many occasions.)

Some have said, "As long as you're reading, it's good."
Others have said, "As long as you are writing, it's good."

If that is the case, then why are there so many articles on the internet comparing and contrasting the issues? But more importantly, why do I care enough to read them! Yes, I think the issue is within me, I would rather be lazy and allow others to form my opinions for me, no matter how miserable it makes me. I am a sick, sick woman!

Maybe I just need to understand myself. Know me. Be comfortable with who I am. Not listen to the thousands of voices out there that try to sway me to their "side." Get lost in the joy of doing what I love - reading and writing - and not care what others say or think.  One would think that a woman of my  - ahem - "maturity" would have already gotten to that place. Guess I have allowed the world to go by as I was sitting on that fence and the years in which I was SUPPOSED to mature, just flew by.

Okay, enough thinking and brewing, time for me to live! Right? What do you think? Should I?