"The greatest prison people live in is the fear of what other people think."
This morning I decided to look up sayings about fear and procrastination, and although some applied, many did not. The reason? Because what I fear does not come from others but from within my soul. And that fact is, I believe, more difficult to surpass than those things that are on the outside.
I have come to terms with the fact that there are those who will not "get" my writing. They will not understand my heart. They will not appreciate the grueling hours it took to put a project together. Writing this story of mine which is based on facts of my own life, has already taken a small toll on me, but in order to make it "real" I am going to have to dig even deeper. And someone who has not gone through some of the experience I have had, cannot fully "get" it.
"It can be scary putting yourself out there. But what is scarier is not trying and never knowing what could have happened."
SO TRUE!
The other day, at work, I ran across a woman who has experienced some of the same exposure to a narcissist as I have. My heart began to break for this woman, whom I had not previously met, and wanted to be able to say something, do something, to help her! I was desperate! I reached down in the depths of my own soul and pulled out just what I needed to truly empathize with her. She left a little later and I was completely drained. I needed to find a small sanctuary in which to hide my wounded heart. But I could not. Instead I was left with a feeling of desperation that I MUST complete this book in order to get the words out for others, in order to somehow prevent another heart from being abused and left for dead from the actions and words of the many narcissists in this world!
I came home and shared my fears with my husband. He, the consummate balm for my brokenness, assured me that I MUST press on. He would be there to help pick up the pieces after every writing session.
You see, this project was commissioned. It was commissioned by the Lord. I have absolutely NO DOUBT about that. It wasn't an audible voice. It wasn't a thunder-clap. It wasn't anything other than the countless faced and faceless women the Lord continues to bring to the forefront of my mind that might be swayed once the message of my story reaches them.
I am like Moses and Gideon, and a few others, from scripture who, once commanded by the Lord to face a daunting task, looked at their own inadequacies and began to allow their fear to overtake them. They wanted to do what God wanted, but they just could not fathom the power He could have in the face of those daunting tasks.
"Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10
Some might say, "Petra, it's only a story. What's the big deal?"
Allow me to respond by saying that, "You are NOT my God and I am going to, for as long as I have breath, follow HIS direction." There have been many before me that could have backed down from what was told them to do by the Lord, but "He is faithful to finish the work He started in us." And if He asks me to write a story based on my experiences, I will write that story. And I need to trust that He will give me EVERYTHING, including fearlessness, to accomplish that which He has instructed.
So, my friend, of what are you afraid? What causes you to quiver? Determine if that is something you desire to do or if it is something the Lord has instructed. You are never guaranteed success unless He directs you.
What is your Goliath? What is your "battle of thousands"? What is your Jericho? What is your "story"? Will you partner with me in our struggle to overcome our fears?
My deepest thanks,
Petra
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