Deflection

                                          

Today, I want to talk about a painful subject - only because it basically overshadows much of what I say and do nowadays.

Have you ever felt like the person in the above picture? Broken, cracked, maybe a little crazy? Have you ever felt like it was you against the world? And since everyone was against you, you began to think that YOU were the one in the wrong? Have you ever come to a place where you doubted every decision you ever made, wondering if you were even capable of making any competent decision at all? Have you ever fallen into a depression because it felt like everyone was leading you there?

Sounds hopeless, doesn't it? Well, I speak from experience that there are likely thousands, even tens of thousands, that have felt these same emotions. And here is the scary thing - they were deliberately placed there, in that spot of hopelessness.

It wasn't until a few years after my divorce that I heard a term that completely changed the way I saw the world and those in it. It was the word "narcissist." Once I began putting actions with that term, I realized that the man I had been married to for twenty-two years was a narcissist. I have no idea how far along in to the marriage he because one 'full-fledged', but I realize now that he had been one even when I married him at the age of twenty-two.

There are a myriad of traits I could discuss today about this kind of person, but the one I will focus on today is the fact that "Narcs" have a way of deflecting. What I mean by that is that they have an innate way of getting you to feel as if YOU are the one who is "selfish", "narcissistic" (although they may never use that term.) and even crazy. I chose the above picture because this is what a Narc does to his/her victim.  He/she completely shatters your mirror, and gets you to 1) believe that YOU shattered your own mirror, 2) that you actually look like what your image reveals, and 3) shows that reflection to your friends and family, getting them to believe that this is what you really look like.

How is that deflection? you might ask. Well, the Narc is brain-washing all of those around him to believe these lies about his victim(s) so that you will not accuse him of being these things. He will stoop so low as to even use his own children in this manner. He will twist the minds of formative young ones to believe their mother to be nuts. Why? So he will continue to have their affection. He refuses to share love, because he honestly believes it cannot be shared. He wants it all. And if he cannot have it all, he chews them up and spits them out and finds another source (VICTIM).

As long as you are in the life of a Narcissist and have contact with him/her you will never believe you have been bamboozled. It is not until you are free from being in his/her life that you will come to the realization that things are NOT 'good.' 

In whatever free time I have, I have been working on a project. It is a story based on my life and my circumstances and those I have come to care for deeply. I don't want to 'preach', because that will not facilitate change. My desire is to help as many people as possible not to fall prey to deflection or any other controlling trait of a narcissist. 

Until next time.....

Petra

Paralyzed by Fear

                           

I haven't actually done any writing in a while. I have THOUGHT about writing. I have taken some notes and I have even discussed ideas. But the actual "putting pen to paper" has not happened. And it is that revelation that has caused me to realize that I am, indeed, paralyzed by fear. That is not an easy admission, and I am in hopes that you will not be too harsh in your judgments against me.

"The greatest prison people live in is the fear of what other people think."

This morning I decided to look up sayings about fear and procrastination, and although some applied, many did not. The reason? Because what I fear does not come from others but from within my soul. And that fact is, I believe, more difficult to surpass than those things that are on the outside.

I have come to terms with the fact that there are those who will not "get" my writing. They will not understand my heart. They will not appreciate the grueling hours it took to put a project together. Writing this story of mine which is based on facts of my own life, has already taken a small toll on me, but in order to make it "real" I am going to have to dig even deeper. And someone who has not gone through some of the experience I have had, cannot fully "get" it.

"It can be scary putting yourself out there. But what is scarier is not trying and never knowing what could have happened."

SO TRUE!

The other day, at work, I ran across a woman who has experienced some of the same exposure to a narcissist as I have. My heart began to break for this woman, whom I had not previously met, and wanted to be able to say something, do something, to help her! I was desperate! I reached down in the depths of my own soul and pulled out just what I needed to truly empathize with her. She left a little later and I was completely drained. I needed to find a small sanctuary in which to hide my wounded heart. But I could not. Instead I was left with a feeling of desperation that I MUST complete this book in order to get the words out for others, in order to somehow prevent another heart from being abused and left for dead from the actions and words of the many narcissists in this world!

I came home and shared my fears with my husband. He, the consummate balm for my brokenness, assured me that I MUST press on. He would be there to help pick up the pieces after every writing session.  

You see, this project was commissioned. It was commissioned by the Lord. I have absolutely NO DOUBT about that. It wasn't an audible voice. It wasn't a thunder-clap. It wasn't anything other than the countless faced and faceless women the Lord continues to bring to the forefront of my mind that might be swayed once the message of my story reaches them.

                          

I am like Moses and Gideon, and a few others, from scripture who, once commanded by the Lord to face a daunting task, looked at their own inadequacies and began to allow their fear to overtake them. They wanted to do what God wanted, but they just could not fathom the power He could have in the face of those daunting tasks.

"Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my righteous right hand."
                                                                               Isaiah 41:10

Some might say, "Petra, it's only a story. What's the big deal?"

Allow me to respond by saying that, "You are NOT my God and I am going to, for as long as I have breath, follow HIS direction." There have been many before me that could have backed down from what was told them to do by the Lord, but "He is faithful to finish the work He started in us." And if He asks me to write a story based on my experiences, I will write that story. And I need to trust that He will give me EVERYTHING, including fearlessness, to accomplish that which He has instructed.

So, my friend, of what are you afraid? What causes you to quiver? Determine if that is something you desire to do or if it is something the Lord has instructed. You are never guaranteed success unless He directs you. 

What is your Goliath? What is your "battle of thousands"? What is your Jericho? What is your "story"? Will you partner with me in our struggle to overcome our fears? 

My deepest thanks,

Petra

Fence sitting

                                                      

Do you ever find yourself fence-sitting? Yes, I think we are all guilty of this at some time or another in our lives. Sad, but true. But I have a problem. I have developed callouses from sitting so long. There are two or three rather "mundane" topics I need to confess in which I find myself fence-sitting.

1. Reading hard copy books or digital. Okay, you might find that silly, but for me it's rather a big deal. I have about seven or eight books on my shelf right now that I have started. The bookmarks are there to prove that I have not even gotten a quarter of the way through. Because what happens is this. I scroll through my emails and I find a list of FREE digital books that look delightful! I MUST have them. They are free, after all. So I now have a collection of upwards of 250 books on my kindle (and about half of that on my Nook) and I have started a few of them. After all, who turns down free books? I start reading one, or two, or possibly five, and realize that I really don't care for it that much. Besides, guilt begins to seep in, making me feel as if I am betraying my old friends. UGH! What a dilemma!

2. Typing vs. hand-writing. I have been on this journey of writing for as long as I can remember. When typewriters came into the fray, I opted for hand-writing because I made too many mistakes in my typing. Then word processors came along making mistakes easier to correct. Well, suffice it to say that I still LOVE to hand-write. Of course I will never be able to write as fast as I can type - even with mistakes, but there is something fulfilling about seeing words on lined paper. But I find myself hesitating between the two so often that I end up not writing at all.


                                     


So, I get to the point where I vacillate so much it is just easier and less stressful to sit the fence and watch everything go by. Who needs the stress of feeling guilty about not picking up a hard book? Who needs the pressure of trying to decide whether or not to take a notebook in the purse "just in case" a thought strikes? (And PLEASE don't start with the fact that I carry a phone with writing apps!)

My callouses are becoming uncomfortable. There a few splinters forming.

Is the answer to find balance?

Do I just need to decide which side is greener and just park my hiney there?

Or is this a much deeper issue? (I wax philosophical on too many occasions.)

Some have said, "As long as you're reading, it's good."
Others have said, "As long as you are writing, it's good."

If that is the case, then why are there so many articles on the internet comparing and contrasting the issues? But more importantly, why do I care enough to read them! Yes, I think the issue is within me, I would rather be lazy and allow others to form my opinions for me, no matter how miserable it makes me. I am a sick, sick woman!

Maybe I just need to understand myself. Know me. Be comfortable with who I am. Not listen to the thousands of voices out there that try to sway me to their "side." Get lost in the joy of doing what I love - reading and writing - and not care what others say or think.  One would think that a woman of my  - ahem - "maturity" would have already gotten to that place. Guess I have allowed the world to go by as I was sitting on that fence and the years in which I was SUPPOSED to mature, just flew by.

Okay, enough thinking and brewing, time for me to live! Right? What do you think? Should I?

Art for One

                                      

Just a little while ago I read an article by a blogger whom I have been following. He spoke about criticism and how we need to not shirk reading critical remarks, but try to learn something. But the work that resonated with me was "creatives." Should "creatives" listen to criticism. Of course, I expected him to say exactly what he did, in his unique way. And that was that yes, we would listen to others' opinions in order to perfect our craft.

I commented on that particular blog, and now, after thinking about it, I think I would add more. I basically said that I didn't agree. That creatives should not listen to others WHILE they are creating. Criticism should not be heeded until the editing phase of a writer's life. And while I still believe that, I am wondering if that is completely accurate.

Let's examine first the idea of a creative person. There are all forms of creativity. Allow me to use the artist. A painter will paint on a canvas which is set before him. He will pour his heart out on to that canvas. Will he "allow" anyone to come and interfere with his creative process? Will he listen to someone say, "I think I would prefer a brunette in the picture instead of a redhead"?  Will he allow someone to say, "I believe you should use a larger brush or make smaller strokes"? Of course not. That would be pretty silly, wouldn't it? He will paint several canvases and place them in some kind of gallery, and if there be someone who doesn't care for his work, they will simply not purchase any of the work. Or they may whisper to their neighbor during a viewing, "I really don't care for that piece." Will the painter then say to himself, "There have been ten people who did not like my work. I believe I will take that painting from the gallery and "tweak it"? I just cannot fathom that scenario. Because that painter had a vision in his mind of what he wanted and it now hangs on the gallery wall. There may or may not be many people who like it, but all it takes is that one person to "see" what the artist did, and purchase the piece. This in and of itself is the appreciation and validation the artist needs.

And I can think of several other types of art forms - the sculptor, the glassmaker, the quilter, the jewelry maker - and know that in each case the artist has an idea and he/she does everything he/she can to bring that mental visualization to fruition.

Then there is the matter of the "One" for whom the artist works. If the audience is a particular group of people, then there will ALWAYS be ONE person that will not care for the work. There will always be one critic in the bunch. Like my momma always told me, :You can please some of the people some some of the time, but you can't please all of the people all of the time." True story!

No here is my issue. IF my audience is God, and IF my creative art form is writing, then WHY do I need to listen to those who criticize my work. Even if I do decide to sell my work at some point, it still shouldn't influence they WAY in which I create, Should it?

I need to get back to the beginning. I am a writer. I write what is on my heart. I write what the Lord wants me to write. I am writing for ONE. I love the fact that they Lord has blessed me with the creativity of writing. Should I refuse to "become better in my craft?" Certainly not! But I choose to listen to the One who commissioned my work from the beginning, His is the only opinion that should matter. And if He doesn't lay on my heart and mind the way He deems it to become better, then I need to plow ahead and not worry about those who don't care for my writing.

"I Have a Dream"

In honor of today being Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, I have decided to springboard today's blog from his infamous speech given in 1963.

                      

I may be the first to admit that I haven't listen to the whole thing from first to last, but I have heard and read snippets of it, giving me the tenor of the entire speech. Please forgive me if I have offended anyone in the fact that I have NOT listened to its entirety. The four words resonate with so many people today and I believe that too many times we have twisted the intent to make it read that we each have a right to have our dream realized. Is that really what his speech conveyed?

My opinion is that Martin Luther King, Jr. understood that we had a right to pursue out dreams no matter out race, gender or nationality. It did NOT mean that one race was "better" or that one gender was "more important." It certainly didn't mean that if your religion prompted you to pursue harm to another religion, that it was okay.

Here's my "issue" with that speech. Why did it take a MAN all this time to get others to realize what Jesus Himself was teaching two thousand years ago? He was the one, through His death, Who brought down all walls of division and leveled the playing field. But Jesus's dream was that all would follow HIM.

                                            

And allow me to take this whole idea a little further. In the Constitution, it says we have the RIGHT to PURSUE happiness. It does NOT say we have a right TO happiness. We may pursue it all of our lives and never achieve it, but we are never guaranteed that. Too many Americans believe that just because you live in the USA, you have the RIGHT to any benefits you like. This is so not right!

I am an American citizen. I claim that right and that I DO have certain rights endowed to me by my Creator. I have the right to wake up every morning with a fresh start. I have a right to worship Him anytime and anywhere I like. I have a right to give Him praise. And by virtue of my living where I do, under the Constitution, I have a right to speak about God. I have a right to have a gun in order to protect myself and my family. I have a right to go to church with a group of people and worship God. And I have a right to PURSUE what makes me happy.

I am grateful that I live where I do - for now. But even if my country decides to go back on everything its founding fathers set up, I STILL have rights given to me by my Creator. I have a dream too. I have a dream that my country, the country in which Martin Luther King, Jr. was born and raised, will continue to stand for the very principles that our founding fathers set forth and that my Creator intended for each person. And I will continue to have this dream for as long as I draw breath.

Taking the time

                                    

I have a confession to make. I watch a LOT of HGTV. I am not sure why, since it is not likely that I will be owning a house of my own any time soon, so I will not be remodeling. I won't need a realtor. But, watching the endless hours of decorating and house tours keeps me entertained. It also give me some insight into the world in which we all live.

The topic I want to discuss today is "dining." Yes, the beloved dining room - an endless subject of "Is the dining room necessary in today's society. Now, I realize that many of you couldn't care less about this subject, but I ask you to bear with me.  I truly have an interesting point here. 

Have you been to any other countries around the world? I have been to a few, and I must say, Americans are very spoiled when it comes to space. I find it laughable when, on some of the home searches in other countries, couples cannot grasp the concept that others value every inch of space, while Americans tend to take it for granted. Americans want a kitchen (large enough to host a baseball team and their family), a dining room (in order facilitate the masses of friends that come to dinner) and a living room. Some even want a game room IN ADDITION to all aforementioned. Why? I think it is because "space" equals "status" in the minds of many. I mean, seriously, who needs a family room AND a living room for a family of four? And why? So the family can be split up more often? Hmmm.....I think I have just made my first point.

Time....My theory is that the more "space" a family has under their roof, the less time they actually spend together AS A FAMILY. Sure, the "ideal" is to come together for mealtime, but how often does that actually happen?

Let me paint a picture for you. I spent many years as a child in Germany. The house that my mother grew up in had a total of four rooms and an attic space. (Notice I didn't say four bedrooms...) And there was a total of twelve children! They never saw that their house was too small. My "Opa and Oma" worked around the situation and made it work. There was one room in which to dine and sit in, and it was quite comfortable. Why? Because first of all, Germans are industrious people and you won't find them lounging around on a sofa all day watching television. (Not in those days anyway.) Secondly, the dining room table was the "heart" of the home. Should a guest come to visit, they sat at the table and fellowshipped over a cup of coffee and possibly a pastry. The focus was the fellowship and NOT the size of the room. 

Actually, I want to clarify here, lest someone reading sharply correct me. At the time, and I am sure there are still these tables available, they had a table which could be raised and lowered. (Similar to this, only done manually and not electrically.)

                                    

This allows for the homeowner to have the option of having a coffee table or dining table, depending on the day. So some actually incorporated a sofa into their dining space.

A few years ago, I went to Germany to visit my family and I was treated like a princess. I felt so very special in each home I went to. And guess where I spent the majority of the time visiting and catching up after thirty years? The couch in the living room? NO. At the dining table, seated in a very comfortable chair. Ahh....those were some sweet times. I recently was sent a picture of my cousin's new dining set. It looked similar to this:

                                        

Although there were more chairs and the table wasn't as modern, you get the point, right? The chairs are comfortable. Why? Because so much time is spent sitting on them, whether spending time with the family and friends, eating a meal together, or even playing games. This ONE room takes the place, in many European homes, of the living room, family room and breakfast nook. Is it any wonder? I mean the space they have to work with DEMANDS it. I recall endless hours, as a child, playing games with my friends in Germany - at the table. Homework was done - at the table. Family talks and socialization was done - at the table. 

Lately, in my own little family of three, in a very "cramped" kitchen, we have been spending more time getting to know each other. The chairs are not comfortable, so I grab a pillow from the sofa. I have left the table leaf in to accommodate the three of us working on varied projects. I might be planning a menu or writing. Hubby might be filling out paperwork or paying bills. Son might be doodling, or (shock) doing homework, but we are all together around the table. Yes, of course, we eat at the table as well, but I have come to realize that it doesn't make any difference how small my home is, I can still have all of the "luxuries" of that palatial-sized home some families drool over in those shows on HGTV. I may not have a den, or a game room, but we play games. I may not have a a separate room for the kids, but I am trying to get to know my new son, so why have him be away from me? I may not have the largest kitchen with an island and seating for four around it while I cook, but I have plenty of space at my table. 

So, if you want to spend some time with me, come on over. Don't expect a large space, and don't expect a pristine home. I have a life. But you are certainly welcome to a cup of coffee and sweet fellowship, and possible a "treat" if I have them around. I'll just pull up a chair, and a throw pillow and we will talk for hours! (If there are a lot of you, you might have to BYOChair.) Let's take the time, and perhaps make the time, to be together.

Until next time,

Petra

New Study

Everyone wants a way to be able to make "studying" more fun. Each person has their own definition of fun, though. Journaling in my Bible is not an option since 1) I am not an artist, and 2) there really is no room in the margins to make the excess notes I enjoy writing. But Bible journaling is a huge craze and I feel as if it is important in the process of truly understanding what the Lord wants to say through the Word.

I came across  Pinterest post with Psalm 103 as the heading and I thought to myself, "Good a place to start as any!" So I got out a notebook and my Bible and commenced to understand the Psalm a little more.

Memorization is difficult for me, but I found that if I write it down, it helps in recalling words and phrases that will be indelibly ingrained in my soul. So I wrote a few verses at a time, in small portions which went together.

Then I just went to town, making notes and underlining. I enjoy that part immensely. As you can see, i started my finding like words. By narrowing things down a few verses at a time I am able to understand what the writer is saying. I recalled some verses I had memorized and saw where they "fit" in this passage as well. (Principle upon principle) The only other resource I used was a dictionary to make sure I understood the words in the context of the verse. 

I am not done with this passage yet. I plan on meditating on it and making sure I understand the chapter as fully as possible before I move on. I still have more verses in the chapter to go as well., but I refuse to rush the whole process. I don't want to do this in order to "check off" a chore, but I want to savor the Words the Lord wants me to hear.

I am determined to make some changes in my life that will last linger than the few weeks when the excitement is still fresh. I NEED to have some disciplines that will remain through the highs and lows that each day brings.

If you want to join me, please leave a comment for me! I would love to know what YOU are learning!