Recovery - Part One

I am in recovery. Yes, and I am not doing as well I was hoping I would. For those of you that I have not talked to about this, let me backtrack a little and fill you in on what has been going on in my life for the last month or so.

A little over 3 months ago I had gone in to the free clinic and discussed some "female issues" with the RN. She talked to me and gave me some prescriptions ordered by the over-seeing doctor. Nothing more was said or done. I still experienced problems and called the receptionist back. I just unloaded on her that I really wanted to speak with a doctor about the feasibility of having a hysterectomy. Well, she was sympathetic but told me that the likelihood of my speaking to their resident GYN in the next three or four months was not good. My balloon was deflated and I was determined that the Lord just didn't want this for me. About a month ago I received a call from that same receptionist who told me that the GYN was going to be in the office the following week and wanted to consult with me. I was elated and nervous all at the same time. This was happening very quickly. I made arrangements to meet with the doctor and by the end of the consultation I had my surgery scheduled for the following month. The next few days was filled with excitement as I began preparing for the time I was going to be home and the recovery period. Then, while I was at work, I received yet another call saying that the surgery had been moved up and it would actually be the following week. I now began to panic. There was much to do and little time in which they were to be done. 

There was another aspect of this whole process that really stressed me. And that was the emotional side. Up until the very morning of the surgery I was still questioning whether or not I was making the right decision. I mean, this "season" in life was going to end in a few years anyway, right? There are so many women out there with terrible issues, and I felt inadequate to be having this done and they were being so brave and battling through the same issues I was complaining about. Was I being a big baby about the actual symptoms I was experiencing? At every turn I was getting encouragement from husband, family and close friends. 

So, with a little apprehension left, I pressed forward. I made arrangements at home and at work to be out of commission for a little over two weeks. I was receiving words of blessing and prayers for a quick recovery. The preparation for the surgery the day before was THE WORST! I was in such agony, but I made it through. (I would share details, but that is TMI) After too little sleep and a growling stomach, we were on our way to the hospital. 

While laying in a warming paper gown on an uncomfortable gurney, a too-tired husband at my side, I was prepped by a nurse. The anesthesiologist came to consult with me. The doctor stepped in to give me a  few words about the procedure, reminding me that I wouldn't remember what he would tell me after the surgery. After making sure I had no further questions, I was administered anesthesia and quickly taken to the ER. (I think they wanted to get me there before I fell completely asleep so that they could get me to scoot my big behind on to the table for the procedure.)

More to come.......


Hoping to be a blessing to someone who reads this,

Petra

Blessed Be The Name Of The Lord

There is a verse in the Old Testament that feels like my life verse at this moment. It is one that Job said when the Lord had allowed everything bad happen to Job. "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away; blessed be the name of the Lord."  Now you notice, I said that the Lord "allowed" things to happen? That is due to that fact that I firmly believe that as a child of God there is NOTHING that happens to me that He doesn't first filter through His sovereign hands before coming to me. And ALL of the things that come in to my life are going to somehow draw me closer to Him.

Lately I have been feeling a lot of the "takes away" part of that verse. I mean, he allowed my marriage and my kids to abandon me about four years ago. He has taken away my security in finances. Now I am having this surgery because a part of my body is no longer functioning, or needed, for that matter. It is being taken away as well. I have had friends filtered from my life and cars break down. Yes, there is a lot that has been taken away.

But I, like so many others in this world, seem to concentrate so much on the things that have been taken away that they fail to see what the Lord has given to them. Let me take the aforementioned subjects:  Yes, my marriage partner abandoned me, BUT I had twenty-three years with that man. That is a long marriage in this society. My kids abandoned me, but the Lord allowed me to have been their mother for a short while. The surgery? Well, I was able to bear two children and that is all the Lord had intended for me to "bear". The friends have been replaced with new friends and the car has always gotten fixed somehow to allow me to work. 

In addition, I have gained so much else - all things that the Lord has "given" me. I have a husband who loves me dearly and appreciates this new season in our lives, as we grow old together and learn more about life and each other. I have a step-son who needed me as much as I need him. He is a wonderful young man and I pray that the Lord will give me the wisdom to be what he needs. I am going to experience a new season in life as a fifty-plus woman who is comfortable in her own skin. I have a good boss who values and appreciates me as a friend and as an employee. I am truly blessed!

And if the Lord sees fit to take these away from me, as much as it will hurt me and cause conflict and stress, I will continue to wage the battle in my spirit to say with confidence. "the Lord gives and the Lord takes away, BLESSED be the name of the Lord!"

Random thoughts

Just some random thoughts as the surgery date gets closer:

I have LOTS of meals prepared in the freezer. Took me two days to complete but I am glad it is finished. Hopefully will decrease the stress PO (that's post-op). 

Started cleaning more thoroughly and still need to wash my kitchen floor. That will bother me if I don't get to it SOON! 

Call from Doctor's office came. Insurance called and everything has been approved. Good thing since the surgery is only three days away. 

Granny is going to be keeping son, which is a wonderful blessing. Love him dearly, but I know I will be lazing around for the first few days.

So....there you have it. Some random thoughts. I have some very deep thoughts formulating in my head that haven't "gelled" just yet. Will post them as soon as I can make sense of everything. 

I will tell you that I have a sense of peace about this surgery. Complete strangers have told me that they will be praying for me. New friends online are encouraging me. I am already able to help a few "on the other side" with a bit of humor. DH is planning to pamper me for two whole days! The Lord is giving me such a sense of being useful for His Kingdom. I am thankful and look forward to see how He will use this new season in my life for His glory.

Until the profound thoughts formulate,

Petra

Loss Without Grieving

Many people have experienced some form of loss in their lives. Some may have lost a loved one and they grieve every day. Some may have lost a pet and things will never be quite the same. Others may have lost  a marriage, and some may even have guilt in the midst of their pain. Some may have lost a dream for one reason or another. But, generally speaking, loss brings about some form of grief. Can you relate? I am sure that you are thinking of something right now, aren't you?

So, here I am being transparent and brutally honest. I AM NOT GOING TO MISS MY PERIOD! Whew but that felt so good to say! I even made up a little song last night about it the whole thing since I have my surgery scheduled. I will not miss the pain. I will not miss the cramping. I will not miss the extra bathroom runs during work. I will not miss trying to "hide" the feminine products when I go to the store . I will not miss embarrassing my husband by having him go and get them for me. I will not miss the extra mess in the bathroom every month. I will not miss having to find a female at the check-out register. I will not miss having to leave work because of an "accident." I will not miss not "being in the mood." I will not miss making sure I have a  bottle of Motrin with me at all times. Again, I am not going to miss my period - not one bit!

I am losing something, I do realize that. But I have a life to live and I am looking forward to being able to enjoy those in my life that ARE worth missing when they are not around. I am looking forward to the day when I can have my husband love me at any time. I am looking forward to spending time with my aging parents BEFORE they are gone. I am looking forward to being able to help friends who are suffering and hurting in their REAL losses. I am looking forward to feeling like a 'normal' human being, without the added stresses that I feel in just having been born a woman. I am going to be just as much a woman after my hysterectomy as I am right now, The difference is that after that scheduled date I am going to be able to ENJOY BEING a woman!

Transparency

So I am trying to determine how transparent I need to be in order to be helpful to some of you.  For the last few years I have been blogging about my feelings and many times I have been called to task in the accuracy of the statements that I have made. I assure you that my written expressions have been truthful, a healing balm to my spirit. 

Today I would like to start being quite frank with my sisters on this journey. Lately the abbreviations are my struggle:  DPO, PO, TVLO, DVLO, TVAH, LAVH. Then there are the terms and words that had once been labeled too personal to discuss in public:  drainage, gas, uterus, vagina, period. Can you venture a guess as to what I am referring? If you guessed hysterectomy, you are correct! I want to take you on a brief journey and hopefully I will not bore you.

Years ago I started noticing a few little changes. Digestive issues came on me during my cycle. I could feel twinges of paid during ovulation. Once I was admitted to the hospital because they believed something to be wrong with my colon. Overnight the Lord healed me. PTL! Then a few years ago my then-boyfriend (now husband) took me to the ER because of that same pain. The doctor could not determine the cause, stating that all that the tests showed was a fibroid. Since that time I have been struggling with some of the menopausal symptoms and it is driving me and my new family crazy! The irritability is the worst for them, the pain and cramping is the worst for me. Well, not having insurance is a negative for sure, but I found a free clinic and I was finally able to see a GYN. After discussing my case with him, he didn't think it would be necessary, but I insisted on having a hysterectomy. I want this over - and NOW! 

So, forward to today. I am less than a week from my scheduled surgery and I am pretty calm about it. I am going in to this with eyes wide open, having watched the ENTIRE procedure done on YouTube. (Isn't technology great!) I have already surrounded myself with several groups of women who are proving to be great! There is a website that answers so many questions: http://www.hystersisters.com/  There is a group of women on FB where I can find and give encouragement, have questions answered by others who have gone through the same things, and once I get to the other side I can offer my story as a way of encouraging others. It is a closed group, otherwise I would direct you to it. (Let me know in a PM if you would like the information.)

There you go. On Friday I will have my DVPH and I am thankful for the opportunity to share with you. I will be posting regularly about my specific experience. I am going to avoid sharing on FB. Please follow me here on this blog to get details and offer words of encouragement. Please avoid judgments. This decision was very personal for me and my husband and I have decided that it is the best for us. It may not be the best decision for every woman. 

Until my next update,

Petra

All for You, My Lord

This morning while I was getting cleaned up and listening to my Pandora, a song came on that I had heard many times, but a phrase stood out to me like it never had before: "All for you, God." I got to really meditating on that phrase. "Do I say those words?" "What so those words truly mean?" "Are they biblical?" 

Some analytical thinkers cannot comprehend the words I am about to say, but I "felt" the Lord speaking to my heart. He assured me of a few things and reminded me of others. All of which happened in a few seconds, I am sure. Nevertheless, my spirit was at peace with the words that I heard."I have allowed you to go through all you have gone through and all you are going to go through for one reason - to help others." Well, the Lord has definitely given me a heart for hurting women! I cannot count the number of times my heart ached when I was talking with a friend, acquaintance, or even someone on social media, when told of a problem or situation. And combine that love for hurting women with my love for writing, and VIOLA I have a way to reach out!


4 He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.
                                                                2 Corinthians 1:4 (NLT)

So, if I have to go through struggle in order to better understand my sisters and by my suffering am able to offer comfort in any way, then I will gladly avail myself to my Lord.

"All I am for you, oh Lord"

So, look for the next time I will pour out my heart. I will be sharing my struggles openly, in an effort to be transparent to you. I want you to know that, although they may not be the EXACT struggles, I do want to be there for you and offer you understanding, hope, and encouragement. 

Your sister in this journey,

Petra

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

This morning I watched an interesting video, and although I didn't understand the language, the subtitles and topic was made perfectly clear.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7FI2LY4dk-s

It got me to thinking about my own son. When he was very young that boy had a head of hair I loved. It was soft and curly, although it never stayed where I combed it. His big brown eyes were the most expressive ones I had ever seen in my life and I gave in way too many times to the sad look he gave me. In my eyes he was the perfect little boy. He allowed me to coddle him and love on him with hugs and kisses. He gave the biggest bear hugs. Quiet tears come to my eyes when I think of how much he loved me.

He got a little older and while many his age started pulling away from doing those sweet loving acts toward their moms, my son promised he would never get too old to kiss me on the cheek before going to school in the morning, no matter how old he got. He would sit with me, even in his pre-teen years and allow me to read to him. He would nuzzle against my arm and sometimes fall asleep - depending on the content of the book I happened to be reading. I counted myself truly blessed.

Then came the girls. My was he ever girl crazy. And the girls loved him in return. I kept thinking, "what's not to love?" He would talk about one or the other on a daily basis. My little boy was growing up. But he always seemed to have time for his mom. Life wasn't always easy for him. He did some pretty bad stuff, but I always stood by him and saw the best in him. Looking back now, I think I may have been the only one who did. 

Then came the big "D" and something happened to my son that I never expected in a million years. The once loving and caring young man turned against me in a way that can only be defined as demonic. This wasn't a case of a child being hurt or angry, he was plain evil. He turned on me. And now his actions are hateful and mean. 

He, since, has gotten married and is expecting a child of his own. And I shiver to think how he will  treat his own wife. Because most adults know, you can tell a lot about a person by the way they treat their opposite sex parent. I shudder to think the mean things he will say to her behind closed doors.

Going back to the video...I wonder at the amount of respect those young men truly had for their mothers to treat women walking down the street with such disrespect. I think a number of mothers around the world would be shocked to see how their sons treat women, and they, like me, may wonder "does my son truly respect me or is it all an act?" 

The sad part is, my son doesn't remember those times when he was younger. Those memories have somehow disappeared. But a sentimental mom, like me, will always cling to memories of that little wide-eyed boy whose whole world revolved around them. Yes, I want my boy to be a man, to be a good husband and father. But more than that, I want him to respect his mother and his wife and understand that you cannot expect respect without giving it in spades!

Until my next revelation,

Petra