Remembrances

                                      

It's the day after Christmas and I am doing a little introspection as I gaze at my Christmas tree and listen to the sound of the rain on my roof. This week between holidays is perfect for that, isn't it?

Recently I have been really buckling down and writing, frantically trying to finish up two chapters of my larger writing project to send to family and friends for Christmas. It was a labor of love. And I do not exaggerate the word "labor." I spent time mourning sentences that I eliminated. I got angry when my loving husband pointed out inconsistencies or confusions in my story. So there I was at the computer furiously editing words, trying desperately to improve what I had written.

But here's the thing, I see NOW why I was getting so upset. I had invested so much of myself in my work - my hopes, my dreams, my heart and soul - that I could only see those things on the screen. I couldn't see what HE saw - what I intrinsically knew. I had been tapping out words that came from the memories of my past. Some of it hurt. Some of it made me grin. Some of it took me to another place. But my memories are are not other's memories, so my sweet, considerate man didn't see he was asking me to "fix" my heart and soul. Of course he wasn't asking me to do THAT, but it is how I interpreted it, and THAT is why I was so upset.

I posted my short story and I feel good about it. I feel good about myself. I feel good about what my end product delivered. I lost nothing of myself. In fact, I gained something. I learned that sometimes I don't take criticism very well. Who am I kidding? I NEVER take criticism well. But I need to remember that when the words of advice come from a heart of love, one that just wants to help better me and my writing, it must be heeded. I was able to take two chapters that were so-so and turn them into something of which I could be proud!

Now, I need to get to work on the OTHER twenty-eight chapters!

Writing lesson for Myself

This morning I was doing a little Pinterest browsing and I ran across a  blog that I really found helpful. It was all about how this one person would advise another writer what he or she might need to be a more productive writer. I wanted to weigh in on this subject on my own, if I could.

I have been a writer since I was a child, according to my mom. I may have already shared that on a previous post. But I wanted to do a little reflection about the "how" I normally wrote - the tools that I would use. "Back in the day" there were no computers, just paper and a typewriter, if you wanted to get really fancy. But when I was creating poems as an eight-year-old, I wanted a notebook and a pencil. I wasn't very particular. As a teenager, I became a snob for college-ruled paper. And I wanted pens now. And I became a snob for the "right" pen as well. I was always in search of the one I liked best. It made me feel like I was a true writer.

Now? Well I have all of the latest tech stuff at my disposal. I have used much of it. I have tried using the typical software programs. They worked fine except for the occasional jump of a mouse and erasing large portions of the writing. (Fat fingers?) And then I got a few of the apps - OneNote, Writer, Binder, etc. What I found was that the "idea" of it interested me more than actually using them. Okay, so I needed to remember something while I was writing. What was I going to do, get my phone and try to find the app? By the time I got to a place where I could stop and actually record the thought I had, I had already forgotten what it was!  That just doesn't work for me.

Then I walked through the aisles of Barnes and Noble and larger department stores and find interesting notebooks. I would hoard them - seriously! I at one point had seven small notebooks/journals that were completely blank, waiting for some inspiration to use them. Then I would realize, after I had already spent the money to purchase them, that they were not, in fact, college ruled. UGH. So I would then go to Walmart and find regular old notebooks - spiral, composition, whatever - and buy them. They were perfect. I brought them home and didn't feel guilty about writing in them, as I did when I cracked open the more expensive notebooks.

OK, enough about that. 

Then I found Scrivener. Yes, it cost me a pretty penny, but I actually use it. It is a wonderful software program designed specifically for writers. But I did get, as still do, a little frustrated because I am not as techie as I wish I was. I just don't seem to have the time, or brains, to truly understand how to fully utilize that wonderful program. Well, I have used it and I do LOVE it tremendously. I have many projects on it and and can put MANY more on it. But I cannot use it while I am out and about. Also, the creativity....I will address that in a minute.

I now sit with my plain composition notebook that is graphed and am going to town on my current story. Let me explain why.

I can type pretty darn fast, for me anyway, and my word count for any writing project goes so quickly. There is a word count on Scrivener and it is so helpful when I am trying to complete a project. I can sit down and within about an hour I can have over 1000 words knocked out. For me that is a huge accomplishment. HOWEVER, I cannot count the number of times when I sit in front of that screen and just stare because the words just won't come. Writer's block. I close the laptop and quit.

Of course that is not the correct answer for a writer. A writer is supposed to write. The creativity is just supposed to flow freely. A writer's thoughts should always overflow from the brain to some kind of page. So I grab my paper and a fun, fancy pen, and the thoughts just flow! WHAT?

I have come to the conclusion. I am the kind of person who is going to need to write things out longhand and take breaks if I need to avoid my carpal tunnel pain.  The thoughts just flow freely and I LOVE the process of writing. It is therapeutic for me.

Of course, I eventually transfer everything to Scrivener, and that, for me, is my first editing process. This takes longer, of course, but if it works for me, then I would rather have notebooks full of of words that I have taken time to pour my soul in to than sit and write words that will eventually get all cut because I didn't enjoy the process.

Christmases past

                                         

So, here is a continuation of my Christmas musings...

Growing up in my military, Christian home, Mom was German and we celebrated a few Christmases in Germany. I have a very vivid memory, a very strong memory, when I was in primary school. I remember getting all wrapped up in my warmest clothes, traveled by school bus to downtown Wurzburg, and, with money that my parents had given me (it felt like hundreds of dollars even though it was probably only about fifteen marks) walked with my class and looked with awe and wonder at the beautiful kiosks that were set up in the German town I lived in. This was Christkindlemarkt! I get the shivers just closing my eyes and recalling that special time.

Kids, no matter from what country, usually believe in Santa Claus. The name of the man might change, but the conjured images are similar. I was no exception, There was a specific time when I lived in Washington state where I had a very close encounter with Santa. I KNOW I heard him stomping his boots down the hallway to the living room. We didn't have a chimney so he HAD to come through the door. I guess he knew that we were German and celebrated Christmas Eve. It probably saved him time to get to all the non-Germans overnight.

When I got to be an adult I was bombarded, by someone close to me, that I should NOT introduce my children to a fictitious character. That I shouldn't lie to my children. Well, I must say that I regret listening to that person. Had I known then what I know now, I would want my children to have the wonderment of listening for Santa's reindeer on the roof, and wondering, as I did, how Santa knew where I lived and how he was going to get to my tree without a fireplace. I think that I robbed my children and myself of a sense of fun and magic.

I like reading about different cultures and their beliefs and traditions about Santa. Most European countries have their own version of a jolly man or a kind and gentle man who came to houses delivering gifts of some kind to the children, and sometimes the adults. The legend has a wonderfully generous beginning and it amazes me that it has survived for so long.

To this day I love watching movies about Santa Claus. He brings hope to young children, who might otherwise not have it. I think about "Miracle on 34th Street" and to this day I cry inside for a little girl who refuses to see the magic because her mother trained her NOT to believe. 

Can I just throw in a little Christianity here? I KNOW that God is not a genie in a bottle, I would NEVER condone such beliefs. However, if an parent brings their child up never giving them the idea that God can and does answer prayer, that He does hear us when we pray, then what is that parent really teaching his child? A child must see his/her parent praying and they must be aware of answers to prayers.

Let's go back to Santa, shall we? Is it harmful for a parent to allow their child to believe in Santa? Do I REALLY think that a child, at the age of eighteen, will still believe in a jolly man who squeezes down chimney? Seriously? Of course not. So what is the harm in allowing a child to experience the joy and 'magic' of the holidays? Let the kids believe in Santa. I wish that more adults held to the idea of joy and 'magic' during the holidays. This world would be a nicer place.

So, for now......

I will continue to watch "the Santa Clause", "Elf", "Miracle on 34th Street," and the like, because I want the magic and fun of Christmas. BUT it doesn't replace or come before the adoration I have for my Lord who came to earth as a baby, grew to be Christ, died, rose, and now reigns in Heaven FOR ME! 

I just want to keep in mind that Jesus is present all year around and Santa is my hero for a few weeks in December.

Petra

                                            

I recently read a blog by one of my favorite hosts on QVC - Don't judge me. It got me to thinking about the season of Christmas and all of the traditions and customs that we have, not only here in the states but all over the world.

I am a Christian, first and foremost. I love Christmas. Yes, I understand that the whole "reason for the season" is Christ and His birth. But honestly, we were never instructed in scripture to commemorate His birth, were we? If I am mistaken, please tell me.

I love putting up a Christmas tree and decorating it. I love thinking back and recalling wonderful moments, as I hang the ornaments on my tree. I call it my tree because for some reason I am the one who ends up actually putting it up and putting on it the items that bring me joy.

I love watching the same Christmas movies over and over again, quoting certain lines from the movie as I sit in my pajamas eating cookies and drinking my hot chocolate. And I love watching the new Christmas movies that appear on the Hallmark channel.

I love the brisk air outside. I love watching the stars twinkle on a cold night and I am in awe as I watch the first snow fall. Who am I kidding, I love the snow EVERY time it falls.  I love walking in that fresh-fallen snow and trying to keep my nose from getting cold. I love re-tracing my steps as I turn around so as to not disturb any more of the snow.

I don't enjoy the hustle and bustle of the stores and the frantic nature of people for the month leading up to Christmas, but I do love the joyous attitudes. I understand that many people don't have the love of Christ and for them it is all about presents and such, but it is at this time of year that I think every person, Christian or not, cannot help but get a glimpse of the love of God when they walk around, seeing everyone smiling.

I love the lights. (That's where my QVC friend got me to thinking.) I love driving around neighborhoods and seeing the lights displayed, anywhere from simple candles in the windows to grand displays of light - depending on the budget. I love finding ideas that will fit into my home and budget. I like finding ways to make my Christmas tree and the inside of my home be bright, and in turn inspire me to shine my light on the inside.

That brings me back to my original thought. I love Christmas and I love Christ most of all. Yes, He is the reason for the season, but I think we, as believers should be celebrating His life in us all year around. We can have joy and extra measure of charity and good will on December 25th, but it's the rest of the year that matters. Kind of like we make New years' resolutions on the 1st of the year but don't do anything the rest of the 364 days of the year. What's the point?

Anyway, I choose to celebrate Christmas with joy in my heart and a smile on my face, not because it's a day on the calendar, but because of who reigns in me all year long. And those of you who see me throughout the year know this to be a fact.

Stay tuned to more musings of Christmas in a few days.

Petra

Update

I wanted to give you all an update to my last post. Here it is, past the middle mark of the goal I have set for myself to write 50,000 words. It started off like gangbusters and I was told to expect as much. I have the end goal in sight, I KNOW how my story is going to go. I have NEVER gotten this far with a story and I am loving it.

But then something happened....

I got another idea. It was a good idea, but my mind is now confused, for the "other idea" has a timeline. And the two timelines interfere with each other. I'M SO CONFUSED! I want to write for both but I have not the time, alas.  But I do have a plan. It's a good plan I think because I have been told "Just write" by all of my writer-ly friends. So I am starting a third writing project.

My free time has already been promised. Thanksgiving is around the corner and I want to make this year special. Well, the truth is, I need to make it special. You see, yesterday I had a deep thought. That as much as I remember this time of the year being my favorite (November through December, actually) it has become, in the last many years, something of a chore. Because, you see, so many painful memories are wrapped up in this time of year. I have had my heart broken too many times, and they have happened at this time of year. I have broken a heart around this time of year. I am painfully reminded that my children do not want to spend this time of year with me and it breaks my heart.

So here I am, inadvertently breaking the heart of my husband because I am hurting so badly. It isn't that I do not want to be with my new family and my parents, it is just that the pain of the past so overshadows the present that I rob everyone around me the joy that I KNOW the Lord wants to shine THROUGH me.

We try 'new' traditions. I like the old. The new seems foreign. The old is familiar. I must be getting old, for the stability of the past is a greater draw to my spirit. There can be compromise, however. I just need to resign myself to living in the present and making it as special for those around me as others have, in the past, made it special for me.

So, here's the plan. The key to this year's Thanksgiving celebration - simplicity. Buy as much stuff as we can pre-made. No sense overdoing it with preparations. But we still make a few dishes that conjure  the "good" about the past. The gathering might just be a small handful of people, but they mean the world to me, so I want to show them that I am fully committed to THEM and NOT the past. "Lord, give me wisdom."

The Christmas tree is still going up the day after Thanksgiving, but the decorations are going to reflect the present and the future. I am determined to eliminate the pain of the past. I do not want reminders of the past, other than the assurance that the pain is not part of me anymore.

Hopefully my "muse" will return to me (although I do not fully believe in muses.) I want to finish my writing projects and complete the work the Lord has called me to do. I just want to make sure I do it right the first time.

LET THE FESTIVITIES BEGIN!


Until next time.....

New Adventure

I am going to begin a new adventure in the next few months. I am fairly excited, but I have some trepidation going on as well. I was hoping you might help me in this new journey.

The month of October will be very busy preparing my house, my family, my friends, and my mind for the month of November because, you see, I have decided to participate, albeit without the huge group, in NaNoWriMo. (National Novel Writing Month). What does that mean? Well, basically that I will be consumed, the whole month of November. with writing my first novel. This is going to take a lot of effort and discipline, which I lack. And I will need to continue working my full-time job. 

So, in my home I need to make sure I am "set" with food, cleaning, and laundry needs, for a month, since I am not going to be able to do NEAR what I usually get done. There will be times I will have to wear my scrubs more than one day. Paper plates  and plasticware will become the norm. Freezer meals will take the place of slow-simmered crockpot meals. Dusting and vacuuming will have to be put off. And Thanksgiving dinner will have to be at mom's house. (Hope she is OK with that, wink, wink)

My family and friends will have to understand that I will not be "in the loop" for the month. Any free minute I have will be spent getting a few extra words either on paper or in the computer. I will not be able to get on Facebook and check what is going on in my family's and friends' lives - please understand that I love you very dearly and will miss that connection time. I will not be able to sit and visit with my family for hours at a time. I will not be able to come home from a taxing day at work and sit all evening binge watching my favorite shows in order to relax. Please know that all of this is temporary.

My brain and discipline are going to be the hardest to deal with. I have a tendency to be lazy - YES....it IS true! My husband would not agree with me, but I know me....I would MUCH rather sit and veg than sit at a desk and wrack my brain for words that just don't want to come! And as far as the up-coming month goes, I have to do all of the research and take all of the notes I need for my story. I am REALLY in hopes that this will be the best thing I have ever done in my writing - and THAT is a HUGE goal! (no pressure) Look, I am a writer and have been as long as I can remember (mom told me I was writing even at the age of four) and I know this will NOT be an easy feat. But there is one thing that is driving me forward.....THE LORD!!! He is the One Who has commissioned me to do this project. And if He has given me the task, He will provide me with all of the tools needed to complete the task.

So, all of that said.....I am asking that in the next few months, if you would please pray for this journey on which I will embark (notice no dangling participles) and the preparations I will need to make. And if you would like to private message me or email me, I will set aside a day once in a while to read your encouraging words and affirming notations.  I count myself blessed to know that each of you reading my blog and keeping me in your thoughts and prayers cares so very much.

Nursing Wounds

This may be the most difficult posting I have written since my humble beginning a little over five years ago. Not so much because of the content but because of what it reveals about me and my character. But, as usual, if someone is helped, then it will all be worth it.

I have a tendency to nurse old wounds. You know what I mean....It's when you take things from the past and dig at them a little, thinking you are helping yourself to the healing process when all you are doing is re-living the hurt,

I find myself ruminating more and reminiscing less. I have had to face some pretty darn challenging times in the last 5 years. Most of them I have put behind me and left them there. Others I put behind me and every now and again, I open that chapter and try to figure them out, waxing philosophical, and attempting to learn and grow. At other times, if I am completely honest with myself, I tell people I have put certain things in the past, when in fact they are still right there in front of me all the time because I keep "nursing" them.

Some people would say "you are doing great to even recognize that fact about yourself." Yeah, well, that may be true, but at the same time they don't have to live in my head and feel the pain I continue to cause myself. Self-inflicted pain is sometimes the worst, isn't it? So Why do I continue on this path? Perhaps it is the only way I know how? Well, that isn't completely true, is it? Maybe it is because there is something that I need to learn and then just let it go? True. I should always be learning from mistakes and heartaches.. But then where is the "let it go" part? 

When is the right time to let the things in the past be things in the past and REMAIN there?